When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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