Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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