You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
