I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
