mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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