I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
