respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
