did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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