i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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