Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
