new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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