Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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