just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
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Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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