I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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