1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
