well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
