I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
