I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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