I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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