last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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