Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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