remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
