you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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