4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We named our party play list daddy issues
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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