I think I am morally bankrupt
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Pants are for mortals
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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