I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
send nudes
from the living room?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
