I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
