The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
