i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
