You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
