my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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