I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
All the doctor said was why
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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