Your face is a jimmy john
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize