My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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