i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
