My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
