i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
