a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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