oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
