i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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