Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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