How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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