my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
