Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
