take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
