Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
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Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.