Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.