sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
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There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life