FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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