Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
