he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
