i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
