pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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