I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
