just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
