You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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