Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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