Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
