it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
